What is competence?
Competence refers to the ability to act, decide and learn in a given situation. Although it sounds simple, it can be complex. These are some of the possible levels of competence/incompetence that we might experience.
- Unconscious incompetence is when I don’t understand what I don’t know, or I am not aware of my ignorance.
- Conscious incompetence is when I am aware that I don’t know something. It’s possible to be curious about the things I don’t know.
- Conscious competence is the ability to know what I know. This is where I feel confident in my knowledge. It is very empowering to have some understanding.
- Unconscious competence is when I don’t know anything because I know more instinctually. This level of knowledge is when I don’t need to think about processes or skills that are habituated. It is possible that I will forget how I got what I know. It is part of who I am.
Romantic Relationships: Competence and Incompetence
We can all be at these levels of understanding in a romantic relationship. However, if we avoid responsibility strategically, we might weaponize incompetence Do you remember acting like you didn’t hear your children screaming for help? Did you ever ignore a clogged sink to save yourself from having to unclog it?
Mindfulness may be able to help you if this tactic is ingrained in your relationship. Mindfulness can be as simple as slowing your breathing down and relaxing your thoughts in order to remain present. Mindfulness does not require us to accept poor behavior from others or ourselves. It is not a passive attitude of acceptance of poor behavior from ourselves or our partners. Mindfulness challenges thoughts, behaviors, interactions, motivations, and other factors. Mindful people respond to their loved ones with a balanced approach. Mindful partners are more aware of details, emotions, and behavior than they previously thought. They can then ask questions about their partner’s behavior and motivations.
To encourage Competence, Mindfulness should be encouraged
It is difficult to help someone who is unaware of their incompetence (mindlessness). Mindfulness, or paying attention to the moment, can help you notice the hidden emotions, motives and nuance.
Mindfulness can have a powerful impact on your life if you are aware of the lack of wisdom or skill. I recognize that I’m missing something and I want to be more aware. It is possible that I feel motivated to become more aware and still.
Mindfully skilled responses
Here are some tips for those who have ever tried to pretend to be incompetent in order to avoid taking responsibility.
- Mindfulness encourages perseverance. Mindfulness increases metacognitive awareness, reduces rumination and encourages perseverance. When I do the work that they should and could do, I don’t incapacitate them. Do not try to rescue people from situations they cannot solve.
- Mindfulness promotes collaboration. When we slow down, we can see the perspectives of others and have more empathy. It is the problem that you need to address together, not the person. You might be making unfounded assumptions. Unconsciously, your partner might be incompetent. Accusing them of strategic or intentional incompetence would not solve the problem.
- Mindfulness helps us accept differences. Mindful people can accept different learning styles and communication styles. My spouse and I go to the grocery store with a list of things we need.
- Milk
- Cookies
- Bread
- Baking soda
They might be a strategic incompetent if they bring home one gallon of milk and two bags of cookies. My partner might be more literal or linear than I am. One way to improve relationships is slowing down and looking at things from the other’s point of view.
Mindfulness allows me to praise my partner’s efforts and not take any blame. You just need to be aware of when your partner is trying to help you share the responsibility. These efforts can be praised and rewarded. Recent research has shown that repeated compliments don’t lose their value. We underestimate the value of repeated compliments. Be mindful of all the positive things you can do and praise them.
Ask your partner if they are trying to fool you by pretending to not know how to do something. There may be a genuine misunderstanding. You can slow down the process by using mindfulness to understand your partner’s point of view and to be clear about your wishes and needs without expressing bias thoughts or feelings. Mindfulness can help you and your partner transform from unconscious incompetence into conscious competence.
